I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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