So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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