I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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