The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
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i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
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It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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