I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
