you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize