U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
