just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
whose parrot is this?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
