I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
