my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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