I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
