Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
