Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
