I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
