I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
