the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I intend to get homeless drunk
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
is that a dick in a sweater?
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