fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
