I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
