Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
