Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
