Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
