I'm gonna have a badass scar
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
