I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Randomize
