just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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