did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
