I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
