Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
