Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
