I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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