Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
