how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
