My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
