I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
