...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
