why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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