my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
