if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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