god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
