wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
How external is "for external use only"?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
