I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
