I need to stop coming to work sober
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
