I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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