i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
