I heard we made out
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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