I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
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Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
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You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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