I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
