sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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