Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
