If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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