i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm too high and old for this...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
