I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
