Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
