If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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