Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
