just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
