Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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