I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm like, not good at living.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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