I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
